who can help me??

im asking for ur help, i am going through hell

2011-10-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

So I don't cry often. Did today. Don't lose my cool often. Did today. Am I the only one who thinks that this whole thing is an impossibility? Am I the only one who thinks it is sick to voice ur opinion to God cause he is holy? Should we be scared of someone who loves us? there is NO fear in love. yea right. Ask me about the time i went to buy a bulldog and my car swerved off the side of the road at 65. If heloves, and he disciplines, that sure made me "Fear" the Lord.

I am sounding like a heathen saying this but we have all these cliches. "God's not going to force u to love him" "the Holy Spirit is a gentlemean." I can remember turning my car around on my way to a job interview cause i felt so bitter in my soul about applying. God doesnt want me working god wants me as a full time eveangelist. So if i dont want to do it, what will happen? I can't ever seeing myself being a full time maniac...
"

wanna know u today

2011-09-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gents i have never been this close to making a decision but i dont want to make the decision im afraid im still not saved im afraid its too hard im afraqid i love my parents approval more and jesus is saying nothing he just wants me to obey i want to know i am his child before i go anywhere i want to know that i will get through it but i dont think i will since im not strong enough

S-T-R-E-E-T preach! thats all thats on my mind i feel so overwhelmed and i asked god to quiet my heart im afraid if i dont do it it is proof i never beleived Spurgeon said that u cant make a sinner a saint by killing him. if they live like a saint down here they will in heaven and if they dont live like a saint here they sure as hell wont in heaven

im just afraid im a counterfeit and i am scared of my parents

Jesus

2011-08-04T16:57:00.000-07:00

Is Jesus requiring in 2011?
is Jesus putting pressure on his kids?
Is Jesus chastening because he doesnt like what ur doing with your life?
is jesus giving u a choice?

this is coming from my heart, if jesus is setting death and life before me, ill never(and the rock meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeans) NEVER choose life? i dont want to pick the holy life every morning when i wake up. its foreign to this world and lonely. why would i choose a life of isolation?

Made in God's image

2009-12-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

I went to church Sunday and got invited back to the pastor's house. Man was it a good time. Food, games, and freedom. I don't know how long this will last. We will see what God has in store. I wonder if this is going to be my new church family.

So we say God needs nothing. Acts 17:25- "nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things." But we read in the bible this very verse- “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness” (Genesis 1:26) So what does it mean???

Does it still hurt God when we don't love Him? Since we are made in his image, is it safe to say he feels the emotion of rejection or am I way off here? or is he perfectly content without our love?

I knew I had you, as cocky as it sounds

2009-11-28T12:26:00.000-08:00

So Wednesday night I went to a prayer meeting. Before prayer even started I talked with the pastor's wife. She believes that the bible teaches that God limits Himself depending on our faith. She also believes our prayers are what primarily moves God to action. She thinks that this is so since the bible says that all authority and dominion has been given to us. I don't like the sound of this. God only moves if we are willing? I can remember times when I was absolutely faithless and God still intervened. And didn't God use a donkey to speak to someone?

There seems to be a reacurring theme in my posts. Do we further the work of God depending on our obedience?

I got so much chips I swear they call me Hewlett Packard

2009-11-24T13:08:00.000-08:00

"Your family might never come to Christ if they don't see you grow in God" True or False???

they don't want what you have :(

2009-11-17T15:09:00.000-08:00

So I have a question... Is someone's salvation influenced by our choices, actions, and behaviors? I know you guys have heard it before, "I lead her/him to the Lord." In Jonah it says "Salvation is OF THE LORD!" But we are told to be a strong witness and not compromise so people can see Jesus in us. Yet we are called "sheep." Bob George, and I'm not a huge fan, said that sheep are the dumbest animals in the world. Jesus said "I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

I was talking to someone the other day and they thought the idea that someone could rape, kill, steal, lie, and still go to heaven was ludicrous. I felt like saying "You have done all these at least in thought." Are we looked upon as people who just want the easy way out and not take any responsibility ourselves? I like to think not. I like to think we wanted to know who God was. I like to think Jesus is someone who we needed at a desperate time in our life. I know I never felt like I fitted in with the world. Anyway...

Back to my main question. Are we God's "representatives" in a fallen world who, if don't make wise choices, can keep a person saying "I knew He (Jesus) wasn't real." Man if that is the case guys then I should stop asking questions. I've heard pastors say "Yes" and I've seen pastors say "Truth is truth regardless if it's giving by Billy Graham or Charles Manson." Simply meaning, Jesus is Lord no matter what a person is doing or saying. The bible will be real regardless of our choices.

I can remember going to a christian meeting before I got saved. I thought they were a bit weird but ultimately I felt I could be myself and wouldn't get judged. There was no evangelism going on at the college or miraculous moves of the spirit. But when I was with these kids, I felt safe. I came to Christ cause I wanted a new family. If anything, they WERE compromising christians and had a weak testimony. But I wasn't out to get them. I felt accepted and thats all that mattered.

Fear being a choice

2009-11-03T08:04:00.000-08:00

I just got done reading one of Darrin Hufford's blog entries. He said that fear "IS a choice." He said he doesn't allow his kids to be afraid and doesn't let them sleep in mom and daddy's bed when they have a nightmare or whatever is making them afraid. He said by doing so, you are telling your kids that they indeed have something to be afraid of. Does it make sense? Yeah I guess it does. But at the same time it feels like "tough love." IS God tough love?

I'm afraid to be a child of God around my family. I'm afraid to shine my light in front of the world. I'm afraid to stick up for the bible. I'm afraid to confront kids i went to school with about Jesus and how He's in me. I'm afraid of losing my family because of Jesus. The list goes on...

3,2,1... WE GO LIVE!!

2009-10-31T15:20:00.000-07:00

So I'm back. You didn't think a man would actually keep his word did you? I have been listening to Paul White lately. I love this guy. He is proof Jesus isn't boring. Do check him out.

So I ask you, is God a grey God? I notice all these things that God says He will do but then the will of man comes in. Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until (A)the day of Christ Jesus. . Ok so what about our resistance? What about our " God I don't wanna do that?" Seems to me man has the ability to "choose" not to agree with God's plan. I thought we are supposed to read the bible as black and white. I thought God is "serious" when He says something. You know, He can't lie. So how do we figure all this out? If we aren't looking more like Jesus could it be, oh could it be, that we are just counterfeits? Cause guys, I fret like you wouldn't believe. I have a serious spirit of unbelief. When it comes to matters of everyday life I view this world as Satan's territory and the promises of God seem foolish.

GOD (I think) vs/ Satan

2009-05-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

GOD: "I can't make you love me"
Satan: "You will never get through the christian life"

GOD: "It's not about you"
Satan: " These people are thinking you are a fake"

GOD: "There are no excuses"
Satan: "You're really gonna do that?"

THIS IS MY LAST BLOG!! NONE OF IT GOT ME ANY CLOSER TO JESUS. I THINK HE IS COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS MIND AND PROLLY THE MOST UNCOMPASSIONATE PERSON OF ALL TIME!!!

a long shot

2009-04-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

I have been unemployed since January 5. I substitute teach but i dont have a full time job. And summer is nearing so this gig is about to run out. God doesn't seem to be bringing anything across my path. I have looked for jobs and felt as if God is not opening any doors. So my parents get on me for not looking for a job and they think i like being unemployed or something. I wanna move out on my own but feel God wont let me do that. I dont know if i have enough money to support myself. Why would HE want me to live with my parents when its so frsutrating and i feel like i am being judged more than not? Why can't God just give me a job so I can live on my own and be free from all this choas? WHy wouldnt a loving Father delight in giving me a roomate who is grounded in grace so i can learn and eventually draw near to HIM? My parents are not saved and its complete darkness.

Great Odin's Raven!!

2009-02-24T14:51:00.000-08:00

Raise your hand if you think God is liar. Anyone? Okay then. Let me begin... I'm a literalist. Like anybody on earth, I have been lied to more than once. The thing is, I'm so innocent. Not as in "without sin" but rather "clueless." There's still a part of me that wants to believe in man. I want to believe they are good. I want to believe they are faithful. The thing is, it won't happen. Not according to me but rather its a promise from God. Man WILL let you down. They WILL speak lies. Why do I say all this? Cause when God says something, I like to believe that you can bank on it. I mean the bible does say that God cannot lie. So why is it everytime I read something from the bible its like clockwork. What I get from any fellow brother in Christ is "You have to read the context." Or plain and simple, they don't have the balls to take God at His word.

FEAR

The bible says " For God has not given us a spirit of FEAR but of power, love, and a sound mind." Is this supposed to mean " WHENEVER you feel fear, it is NOT God!!?" Cause I'll let you know something. Since the economy is bad and i am running out of faith in the Son of GOD, I am taking matters into my own hands and looking for a job that pays well. I'm hoping to land a job with a distribution center that will probably allow me to live on my own sooner or later. Well Whats the emotion that I get from this decision. Its FEAR! Fear God will strike me dead, ( Read Anias and Sapphira) fear i'll have a nervous breakdown, fear of all sorts. And let me tell you. I used to get so pissed at GOD at my last job cause it was so frustrating and I thought God delighted in my agony so I would curse Him out. I would relly let Him have it. Guess what I felt? FEAR. I was so scared that I just swore at a Holy God. I was so scared of what He thought of me. Now if God says he HAS NOT given us a spirit of fear, do you mean to tell me that the devil jumped on my case the minute I swore at GOD? It seems whenever i sin, i get this jolt of fear that goes through me. Remember, God said He HAS NOT given us a spirit of fear. SO if this is true, shouldn't I be able to go out and murder people and committ all sorts of sins and not feel fear? God said HE HAS NOT given us a spirit of fear.

Today at the store, while i was waiting in line, I thought about a trip to California to get away from all this. And I felt fear that God would crash the plane if I dare take such a trip. Last time I went to California about two months ago, I was absolutely terrified when we took off. It wasn't just a little fear. It was deep dread. The minute turbulence hit, I was a total mess. It was liek it was hard for me to breathe. I thought that it could have been some chastisement for not flying "in the spirit." Cause whatever is not of faith is sin and I didn't fly in His energy but rather my own. I really wanna go to California. My uncle lives out there and I just want to clear my head. I am too scared to but ticket though. Remeber when Jonah did his own thing and he ended up getting the rest of the passengers in deep water. Could of been avoided if he just did what God told him. In the same respect, I wonder if something tragic will happen if I just do what I want. Cause i'm not my own right? I told people this before, but I'll say it again. One time I went to go buy a dog I could not afford and halfway tot he destination, my car did a 360 and I ended up on the side of the road. No one got hurt, but the car got a little damage. It was scary. My father was in that car. Not a scratch on him. Well I turned around after this happened and didn't go get the dog. Was GOD trying to scare me? He certainly got my attention.

SO for all you guys who basically think GOd is love 24/7, without fail I just don;t always see it that way. In fact, I rarely see i t that way. If the GOD of the universe created me to serve him, He has some issues. He is very insecure and obviously isn't self sufficient after all. I just want to be left alone. I want to enjoy life. I don't enjoy life. I just always assess whgat is wrong with me. Loving father? Boy is that not what I see.

Joseph Prince

2009-02-18T07:55:00.000-08:00

I have NEVER NEVER NEVER heard a pastor quite like him. Yeah there have been good ones who excited me. There have been ones who gave me a little bit more hope. There have been ones who painted God with a different color. But Mr. Prince is on his own level. In speaking about our spirit of "adoption," Prince tells us that God wants us (WANTS US) to call him "daddy." He said many have a problem with this cause they think it is irreverent. So what does Prince say to counter this flaw in theology? Prince says " No, YOU are the irreverent one." Think about this. This guy means business when he says God wants us to call him "daddy." I have his book and every time God speaks to Joseph he calls him "son." Now I don't always hear that. In fact, I never heard God call me son. But I really wanna believe Joseph when he says this.

You see, I always thought that people listen to these type of preachers just so they would never get rebuked. But in all honesty, I feel encouraged to obey GOD after I hear this. When I hear preachers tell me whats wrong with me, I feel like throwing in the towel. And I do. Mr. Prince got a revelation from God on vacation one year. God told him he was preaching a mix of law and grace and said "Unless you preach grace radically, people's lives will never be radically blessed and radically transformed." I never smile so much as when I hear Joseph speak. I still have accusations coming against me that basically tell me this guy is not a man of God, but where did the other road lead me. The other road drove me deeper into sin. It drove me deeper into depression cause I knew I could never live the christian life. Now I'm faced with a decision still. God wants to do something through me and I haven't budged an inch. Im still resisting but hopefully Joseph will bring me to a place of obedience with his grace preaching. I ask that all of you pray for me please.

unemployment

2009-01-12T05:40:00.000-08:00

So today I had a job interview. 8am. On my way to the interview, I felt some anxiety. Not cause I was nervous about the interview but rather I felt uneasy about applying for the position. Its the same type of work I did for two years but I felt that I shouldn't go. So I didn't. I turned around. Now I don't have to tell you the job market is bad. Chances are, I would of got hired here since I was exp[erienced. But in all honestly, I was afraid of what God would do to me if I took the job. Like, scared He would arrange many circumstances to frustrate me and eventually make me wish I never took the job. Charles Stanley said that sometimes God gives you what you want and then you later end up hating the day you ever accepted whatever it was you wanted. I have another inerview today at 1 and am going to that. I just don't get it. Why am I so alone in this? I feel I have no where to turn. I feel if I turn to God He will ask me to do crazy things. And frankly most people are sick of listening to me. I'm afraid whats going to happen with my family. Im so addicted to their approval. I'm so dependent on them. They just don't understand me since I belong to Christ ( if I do).

Blue Like Jizzy

2008-12-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

I've read Blue Like Jazz before. It was one of the first few books I read after receiving Christ. I started to have doubts and a friend let me borrow it. I just picked this book back up today at the bookstore. Man o man. I didn't think it would impact me the way it did. The author, Donald Miller, I thought was somewhat of a heathen. I began to read and it was amazing how much I thought like he did. He is so raw and holds nothing back. He goes on to say that his mind wants to disbelieve in God but there is something in the depths of his soul that won't let him. I definately would like to throw in the towel and forget it. But there is a force that is keeping me in the christian circle- somewhat. I'm not bearing fruit but im not going out and pursuing wickedness either. Donald Miller also believes that true change only occurs when we RECEIVE God's love for us. He tried to be committed to living godly and failed. I'm telling you this book really opened my eyes.

So after reading another person's story regarding their relationship to the Almighty, it mads me feel normal again. It really motivated me to accept God's love. I haven't yet cause i don't think that God really loves me, but i may be getting closer. So here it goes: Romans 8:1 says there is therefore now NO CONDEMNATION for those in Christ Jesus. Okay i have to say it. No one teaches this . No one teaches this. Do you realize what this says? It says there is NO CONDEMNATION for those that belong to God. Any word that we get that sounds condemning is not from GOD. so the next time your friend says " You need to realize its not about you," you are allowed to stand on the Word and say ".. there is NO CONDEMNATIOn awaiting me. I reject that. The next time you hear a pastor tell you you are in NEVERMIND NEVERMIND NEVERMIND NEVERMIND NEVERMIND NEVERMIND...... pointless to post, its never gonna work

lets take GOD at His word

2008-11-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

JOHN 10:28

"and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand."

It seems to me that this verse implies eternal security. You know, one thing I think I am learning on this road of running away from GOD is this: It's not easy to give up on GOD. In fact im convinced its impossible. No matter how many times we say "this is too hard" or "I can't do that GOD" there seems to be no way of shaking Jesus. In Romans 11:29 i believe, it says that the gifts and callings of God are "irrevocable." Permanent, predestined, predetermined, settled, are all synonyms for the word irrevocable. So lets go back to the verse... "and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand."

You know I'm going to say something now and i say it with anger. How come no one teaches this??? No pastor says "You are held in the ALMIGHTY's hand and you are stuck." No pastor says "You can't escape God's grip." Look at the verse guys. GOD IS NOT letting go. So many people wanna tell you , "Well you have free will to walk away." Take it from me, I'm trying that and it doesn't work. True, I'm not in God's desired will, but I can't shake Jesus out of my life. Guys sometimes i say "screw this." I start walking around and soon find myself aimlessly wandering. THERE'S NO WHERE TO GO! I repeat "Where do you go?"

don't go by reason

2008-11-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

If we are to go by what the bible says, we have to throw away our reason. Reason tells us that Hell is an awesome punishment for just a few sins. Reason tells us if you walk away from GOD and make a disaster of things, God will "read you the riot act" when you come back home. Reason tellls us if we do good things, GOD is happy with us. BUT, as you know, Hell is real. As you know, the prodigal gets a party when he returns. And as you know, whatever IS NOT OF FAITH is sin. I would liek to talk about this latter example...

Today I went to the bank and it seemed as if the teller put a little extra cash in my 2 accounts. So i waited to speak with someone and I waited. But I just left . I said to myself " Whatever is not of faith is sin." I was so sick of trying to be a "good boy" and return cash that wasn't mine (however last week I think they made a mistake with my account and it seemed as if I should of had more money then was in there. Seriously) So anyway I just said to myself, "My whole life Iv'e tried to earn favor with God by obeying rules. Soemtiems you just wanna let your hair down if you know what I mean. if the bible is true, I would of sinned if I returned the money cause I wouldn't of done it in faith rather in the flesh. Why am I writing this? I just want to tell you guys that if I dont feel approved by God you mine as well dive in. I said to myself "you are going to hell anyway." Folks I know we have been around this bush, but I think about my inability to respond to God. My way of saying " God i don't wanna be a fool for you." Do you think its easy always showing people how insincere, selfish, and compromising you are? Well its not. You guys have your problems too. But I have really just given up.

I know what God wants of me (yes, to trust Him, but in a very hard way). I kinda been asking myself lately" Why does God need me to show others He is powerful?" Is He insecure? Is He an attention getter? You guys know, I'm sure, that God calls us to do the impossible so HE GETS THE GLORY. Can't He get glory some other way?

i could die for you

2008-10-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

Choices! Decisions to make. Its time to make up your mind. I have a problem with choices. People say all the time in regards to your relationship with Jesus, "It's a choice only you can make." Well Peter made a choice didn't he? He decided he would not deny Jesus. How did that work out again? Yeah, you know the story. So i think to tell someone "make up your mind" is not all that beneficial. Personally I need to be reminded over and over again how God loves me. And also, likes me. It's in them moments where I want to surrender. I am so far from surrending because i view the christian life as IMPOSSIBLE.

I challenge any of you to take a stand in regards to eternal security. I challenge any of you to tell me that there is nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, NOTHING i can do after im saved that will cause me to go to hell. i think the main reason i came to Jesus was my fear of hell. im really bad at loving jesus. You want to know a secret gang.... i think i am ASHAMED of Jesus. Im always scared of witnessing to people about Him. yeah, Ive witnessed in the past. With God's strength. But i still felt awkward. I dont think that a son of God should feel awkward about his Daddy. And thats exactly how i feel. I'll put it out here for all of you to read. I'll be honest. I worship honesty. Honesty is my God. I think Im doing God a favor for being honest. I still have an appetetite for sin. I still swear at God and say "How dare you make us knowing we would choose to go to hell!!" Any of you people ever think this way. Im never going to choose life. Im choosing death. I am. im in chains. I know exactly who/what im a slave to. That I wont admit right now cause it angers me. It angers me that im trapped. But then again, does it really? am i really angry.

"Choose LIFE Jordan." This is what she said to me. She had a bunch of people gather around me and pray for me. It was loving. Someone screaming for you telling you to choose life. thats love. she seemed concerned. But im not. Im choosing death. Im way to scared to surrender to God and he isnt listening to my so called excuses. I feel liek i have to envy people who have a joyous relationship with Jesus. Like Lydia. Damn Lydia. And the other blogs I read. How are you guys so convinced God loves you?

So ill ask you guys.. is it possible to throw in the towel on Jesus. Is revelation 21:8 coming true on my behalf?????

tongues

2008-10-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know a thing about tongues? How about baptism of the Holy Spirit? Well last night I went to a church that stressed the importance of both experiences. This church lead a discussion at the end of worship. After the discussion they all prayed over me and were ORDERED to use their prayer language (tongues). Now I did my research on this and tongues are actually linked to demonic activity. According to a pastor i respect, the gift was used to communicate the gospel to another in their own native language. It wasn't supposed to be used as "jibberish" where no one interprets it.

Now that being said I have to confess. I had the most amazing experience last night at this church. But worship gotta little crazy. people were doing things that absolutely could have been demonic. it sucks though cause i would rather have a nutty christian than a pious one any day. After worship we had a female lead discussion on FEAR. FEAR FEAR FEAR. I have the spirit of fear. How am I ever going to get rid of it. Will someone help me. I feel so defeated. I feel like Im ashamed of Jesus. I feel like the load sits on my own shoulders. I feel I'll be found out as a fake sooner or later. Please soemone calm me down. I thank you in advance.

Revelation 21:8

2008-09-24T16:05:00.001-07:00

There was a phone call today on "Bibleline" and man was it good. A woman asked the pastor about verse 8 in chapter 21 of Revelation. I have always wondered about this verse myself. The verse says that the "fearful" will have their part in the lake of fire... . So who are the "fearful?" Is it those who won't witness for Christ? is it those who love the approval of man? Well to my surprise the pastor said he didn't know. He just knew they were "unbelievers."

About a year ago friends, I called into this same radio show and asked about the verse myself. I was in the middle of making a decision to share the gospel with someone and i was really, really scared. I called to hopefully hear some hope and the pastor told me the key word in that verse is "unbelieving." I even asked him if you don't stick up for Christ are you apart of the "fearful" or "cowardly." The woamna on the broadcast today sounded just like me. The things she was asking aboiut only put a smile on my face cause i could so relate. One thing thius pastor has said in the past about interpreting scripture was: You have to interpret difficult verses IN LIGHT OF very clear verses. Christ said He would IN NO WISE CAST OUT those who came to HIM. I believe I came to Christ with nothing to offer. I came to Him cause I didnt want to go to hell. I wanted to know God.

Chains be Broken

2008-09-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

LAst night I went to church. During worship I was shouting. I asked God to stir something up inside of me. The prayer wasn't in faith, if you know what I mean. I tried to envision God for who He is. Big, Strong, Powerful. I looked at the road ahead of me and tried to encourage myself with the greatness of God.

Okay on to the message. the pastor is using the book of James. I don;t know how to take the pastor. I don;t know what to believe. I know I'm supposed to believe the bible but I have not been doing that. He brought a kid up from the audience and told the congregation how this kid has been going through a trial lately. This kid looks very timid. Ha, we have something in common. What I'm getting at is this... I felt like God was down on me since this kid had a greater hurdle to jump than I did. I felt like God was not proud of me and how I was living lately. I felt as if God only liked "real men." I have always struggled with manhood. I tried to cry but nothing really happened. I wanted to let go and let God have control but I didn't do it. I look ahead, and i feel so overwhelmed. You see, this pastor talked about "Stop blaming GOD!!" "Doubt is unbelief which is sin!" (okay well he may have not said that but i have heard that from other pastor).

I walked away feeling as if I am puting so many people in front of GOD. I just dweelll on these people. IAnd I just wonder what the fuck is goin on...???

same old song and dance

2008-09-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

Well what do I say?? Do I tell you that running from GOD is painful and scary? Do I ask you if Jesus loves me? Last week friends, I got a taste of what GOD will do to a disobedient child. I came oh so close to having a nervous breakdown. I worked very late Friday and my nerves were shot. I felt like I was going to lose it. Dr. Charles Stanley says if you continue in a state of self condemnation, it will manifest itself in some way, shape, or form.. Well i was on my last nerve and it was dreadful. I thought I was going to be hospitalized. I'm not just saying this either. It was that bad. The more I think about God's will the more scared I get. The more impossible it seems. If you guys only knew me . If you could walk around in my heart for a day and get a taste of my self centered desires. I just want someone to love me. And All I can really get from Jesus is "I love you, now its your turn" sort of speech. Well I've had many chances and never quite followed through. All i wanna do is be loved. But maybe I DON'T . mAYBE MY PRIDE PREVENTS ME FROM RECEvING LOVE. I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE, BUT iM TOTALLY MISERABLE. aND i'M GOING TO BREAK DOWN SOON.

smile liek you mean it

2008-08-09T17:59:00.001-07:00

You know, I post on these forums and pray that someone will tell me something. This something could be the missing ingredient in my attempts to become a disciple of Jesus. So I want to leave it all out there for you tonight. I want you guys to know the real me. Bino, made the comment about not exposing yourself on a forum. Well what do I have to lose. I already feel ashamed. And that is topic # 1.

ASHAMED- Not even 10 seconds into my new birth( if indeed it happend) I asked the Pastor," So do I have to tell people about Jesus?" "Oh, this is good news," he replied. I still agree with the pastor. But I have failed miserably at spreading the good news. Yes I did allow GOD to reach some people through me but on a scale of 1-10 I may be between 1 and 2. And this is so because........ Because IM ASHAMED. Fuck people, its hard to just walk up to a little girl who is 6 and start talking Jesus to her with her parents right there . Its hard standing up on a box in the middle of your home city and try to shout Jesus to every ear that passes you. Don't give me this bullshit about the christian life not being easy. Ive heard that record. The point is, I'm such a pussy. I'm such a pussy. I'm such a coward. Have I done things in this past that were courageous? Yes. But I rarely ever step out of my comfort zone. I'm ashamed to be the one at a party who is a christian. And then have to start talking about how "Jesus changed my life." I don't want to be the weird one. I don't want to be the ridiculous, irrational dude people roll their eyes at. Do I like the world more than christians? No. But I am whipped to their approval so bad that I keep Jesus buried in my innermost being. I don't wear Him on my sleeve. I keep Him under my belt buckle, where its tight. You know when I first got saved (if its true) I was so worried about my family. So worried about how to act now that I was a follower of Christ. So worried about leaving the room because R rated movies were for sinners. So worried I might say something that would offend their beliefs. I don't want it people . I don't want it people. MOtherfuckers i don't want it. If I did I would swallow my fears and pursue. I live a life of comfort. True Christians dive into danger. I worry, True christians trust Jesus. He must be so ashamed of me. He must be totally discouraged. There was a time when I actually chose to obey Jesus. But even when I made some phone calls to people who needed to hear the gospel, I felt totally freakish talking to them about GOD. Felt like I really wasn't a christian and was on some quick fix or something.

EVIL-
I am realizing now that NOBODY i repeat NOBODY is genuine. I have discovered, even in the small world I live in that everyone is evil. I'm not trying to sound liek an Assemblies Of God preacher but humans are in it for one thing- themselves. For example: If you were out with some of your so called 'friends' and somebody starting talking shit to you and your friends jumped in to give it back to them, be careful to consider them true friends. My point: People do things for themselves. Just because someone sticks up for you doens't mean they had the right intentions. they could be doing that to exalt themselves or to vent their anger on someone who supposely 'deserves' it. Another example: You could get a gift from someone. Someone could be so excited that they got you a gift but in reality what you are failing to realize is that they actually got it for themselves. They bought you that diamond ring so they could show people how rich they are. They bought you that shirt because it reveals some of your God given physical structure(get my point). Peoples motives are evil. I think i'm learning this. I think God is actually correct when He says "There is no one good, no not one."

THE NEXT STEP-

Guys I'm in a place where I want to trust Jesus but am so afraid of losing myself. So terrified that my dreams are completely unattainable. I just want someone, preferably Jesus, to hug me. Hug me and show me His love for me. Tell me I'm accepted right where I'm at and there is not any more ways to get accepted. I want Him to tell me that He won't think less of me if I don't get in His will. I want Him to tell me that I am not reponsible for people in hell. Cause If I am I just think I'm totally screwed. So many missed opportunities I guess. i'm a wreck .Seriously, its not kool.

powwwwwwwwwwwww

2008-08-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

What is it going to take to wake me up? If my fears are irrational and my God is huge, why am I still in a place of torment? All I have to do is surrender. All I have to do is trust. All I have to do is take GOD at His word. He has showed up before. Won't He show up again?? You see, I have been away from GOD for so long that I forgot about His faithfulness. I forgot about His love. I forgot about His power. Friends when i tell you all i do is focus on my fears, I speak truth. I can't focus on anything else. It seems my fears got bigger and darker once God put something on my heart. And the endless cycle of " if i don't do it will He still love me? Won't he be disappointed and won't I be put to shame" creeps in. People you just don't get it. You may get my struggle to experience GOD's love. You may even relate on a deeper level than I know about. But the thing is, I don't even talk to GOD. I can't. There is nothing to say. He hasn't moved from the plans He has for me. No excuse is going to work. So I just try and stay busy and fill my heart with everything other than God.

I've gone back to my old way of life. There is no difference- at least on the outside. Its so bizarre. I feel like there is no one to talk to. If I talk to christians, I will get flawed answers. If I talk to Jesus, I will get a work He is trying to do through me. "WEll Jordan, GOd CANNOT lie," you say. I'm losing faith friends. See I have tried scrpture. Romans 10:13 was a verse I tried to believe with all of my heart. It says "Whoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." Well I found out that the word for "call" there is "believe." So does that mean if you 'ask' Jesus to save you He won't? You have to trust instead? Kirk Cameron, you know the guy from "Growing Pains," supposely went off to the side of the road and said" God if you are real, I want to know you. I don't want to believe in a fairy tale." That's his coversion story. Is he not saved since he didn't place his trust in Jesus? A guy I work with, here's his conversion story: "God I need you. I can't do this alone." Is he not saved?

See how tricky the word of God seems to be. Folks, I don't wanna get you to doubt your faith in Jesus. I think many of you are probably well grounded, I just need to be real. It's like anytime you wanna stand on the word of God, somebody comes along and tells you what a certain word means in greek. Fuck it.

its da first of da month

2008-08-01T13:59:00.001-07:00

I don't know what to say anymore. It seems as if I'm out of excuses. You know, one of them places where all you can do IS trust GOD. I have chains around me that only He can break. Once again, I'm enslaved to things and He holds the key. But then again, who created me? Who knew before this all came into existence that I would be weighed down by people, circumstances, and feelings? thats right , say it. JESUS!! He knew I would go through this. And I don't speak for other people. I won't say "If GOD is so loving then why...??" You can fill in the blanks. the truth of the matter is this, I DON'T care about the starving children in Africa. I'm NOT restless at night thinking about the circumstances in Iraq. Oh and the millions of people with cancer, yeah I'm not too concerned.

Since I realized that Jesus is real(whether or not I like Him I don't know) I have felt like such a loser. Like such a scumbag. Like such a nothing. There is nothing anybody can tell me anymore that helps. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My problems aren't even big prolly.

grace walk vs. "i follow Jesus Christ"

2008-07-30T16:55:00.000-07:00

What I am about to say may upset a lot of you (don't worry i'm not mad at you guys and you don't offend me either). You see, for some reason I can't jump on board the 'Grace Walk Ship,' not yet anyway. I would love for Steve McVey to be right but sometimes i wonder why I don't really 'feel' the presence of GOD around His teachings. Now I know the christian life isn't supposed to be centered with emotions but we are supposed to test the spirits I'm told. The thing is, there are some pastors i listen to that actually make me feel as if jesus is speaking to me. With Steve, it doesn't seem as if he is in the spirit. Now I'll say this to you, I had the impression all christians are supposed to be smiling and happy. If they aren't, they are obviously in sin ( I know, forgive me!) Now I am new to the faith so I could very well be wrong. I'm just trying to tell you that Steve McVey looks like he is doing something he ought not too. I'm not trying to tell you "stay away from him." What I am trying to tell you is that his words 'seem' to line up with the Word but somehow I'm not fully trusting them. Now the heart is deceitful above all things, yada, yada, yada. maybe I'm trusting my heart that can't be trusted, I don't know. But when I listen to Chip Ingram or Charles Stanley their words seem to have more power to them. For instance: haven't you ever noticed the difference between something done in the spirit compared to something done in the flesh? Like I have witnessed to people where I "acted as if" God was leading me but all in all I was doing it in my own energy. didn't get too far. Now when i witnessed to my brother, I was relying on God cause I knew I couldn't do it. So the conversation was way more powerful and I'm sure it really did something for my brother. I feel as if Steve McVey is not always in the spirit. But then again, I've read his books and he tells me how he has been on his knees, in tears, before God giving up all control. I believe him when he says that. I know how hard that is ( I still haven't done it).

You seee how torn I am? Like I don't see anything in the grace walk that is antibiblical yet for some reason I feel sin is kinda , welll... nonexistent. Yes guys I know what you are thinking "jordan is self-righteous" and who the heck knows if thats true. But I see the grace walk somedays as an excuse not to be sold out, not to be radical, and not to be a true disciple. You should know I grew up in the catholic church so I may have a bent towards the angry GOD.

There are things that McVey says that I can so relate to. But why do I 'feel weird' when I read his books? As if Jesus really isn't in them? Look, if Steve Mcvey is right then i am fine.He portrays God as being a God who DELIGHTS, yes DELIGHTS in his children. I hear Steve talk about God's love for us personally and it really touches my heart. But why do I 'feel' as if there is something off. Here's my thing.... GOD HATES sin. He absolutlely, 100%, hates sin. I mean HATES sin like I hate people some days. ( Well bad example but you get the point). So as children should we not hate sin also? Should we not be taking stands for righteousness daily? See I see GOD as this warrior sometimes, if not most of the time, on the prowl looking to destroy sin. Not as one looking to love us 'unconditionally' as some proclaim.

I'm not saying Steve McVey is wrong. I may be chest deep in the grace walk before you know it. I'm just skeptikal. I don't wanna be misled down a wrong road. But I'm scared to believe in something that may be , well, not true.

Like McVey says that a lie taught in church every Sunday is the one about our fellowshhip with God. He says that when we sin WE ARE NOT out of fellowship with GOD. I have to admit, I feel distant from Gdo when I sisn. I feel like I am apart of the world. Am i out of fellowship, it sure feels like it. Modern day pastors would say you would have to confess that sin to God before He would start listening to you again. WHO's right people?

with you, with you, with you, with you, with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

2008-07-28T15:24:00.000-07:00

I won't argue that all sin is willful. But I will make the case that some sins are commited under heavy temptation. Guess what folks? I just sinned and the temptation wasn't really there at all. I'm becoming so numb. Today at work, I wanted to lay all my fears aside and pursue Jesus. I wanted to get out of the boat. But I just laughed at even trying to do that. I really feel like I'm in a movie.Let me say it again: "I really feel like I'm in a movie!!!" It has been 10 months now since I have walked with GOD. I walked with Him back in September of '07. Then I became afraid of Him so I decided to stay busy and just ignore the voice. I mean is the christian walk meant to be overwhelming and scary 99% of the time. Folks, I don't even look at the blessings I look at all the pain. The pastor at church yesterday said that between God's promises and His payoffs there is a heck of a lot of pain. I'm scared of that pain. I'm scared of those dark, dark nights where you are feeling for Jesus and you can't grab ahold of Him.

Tap on my window, knock on my door

2008-07-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

Okay so its about 10:30am and I will be getting ready for church after this post. I don't even really know why I am going. I will probably feel the nudge to return to my first love when I'm there but I think my mind is already made up. Last night, I talked with my friend Matt and it was one of those moments where I was standing on the edge of the high dive. I could either jump or return to a life of medicrity and comfort. I think you know the path I took. I went back down the ladder.

I am constantly on the internet trying to find out if I'm a nut. If all this I'm feeling is really of God or the devil. I think this questioning is just an excuse not to obey the one who gave His life for me. And yes, to be honest, I do think I'm an okay writer so I get a bit of a high from the feedback I get. I tell you this, cause I question my blog motives actually.

i'm listening to Maroon 5 as I write this. They sing a song called "She will be Loved." Its gorgeous. You know there is some music that doesn't have the word 'Jesus' in it that I enjoy heavily. See i don't know if its the Spirit, but I have an idea that God put His finger on ALL secualr music. It stirs up a lot of desires in me. Mainly to have a girlfriend who loves the shit out of me. I know its between me and God but I dread the whole idea of this "walk" being personal. Friends, for the record, I am not only scared of God's judgement but of His love. Yes, I am. I don't know how to describe but in a way I try to push Him away anytime He tries to move a stpe closer to me. That's all I can tell you. So basically, yeah, God loves me but I don't really even like HIm. So that gets me a ticket to hell? I can't quite figure that out.

you just a baby gettin' recruited at 18

2008-07-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

Square Dance With Me!!

I've been thinking about the Grace Walk. "Everything" in the bible seems to be interpreted through the lens of grace. "Oh well it doesn't quite mean that," you'll hear in regards to Jesus' harsh, harsh words. Or here's my favorite "HE was talking to a bunch a self-righteous Jews." Come on people, what if it means what it ACTUALLY says. What if when Jesus says "I WILL be ashamed of you," means that we will be embarrassed in heaven? What if "the COWARDLY will have their part in the lake of fire," means just that. That those who walk around filled with fears and unwilling to take a stand for Christ earns them eternal torture? Or one of the hardest scrpitures for me (and it probably isn't verbatim) "... he who doesn't hate mother, father, brother, etc IS NOT WORTHY to be my disciple." What if that means that Jesus wants nothing to do with us until we've made the decision to be sold out?? huh?? ever think about this shit???

I remember my times in college. It was the first time i had gotten out from under the protection of my parents. Being the baby of the family, I was controlled more than not. So eventually I fell flat on my face in college. Too insecure to make friends and too fearful to express my mind. So I played people pleaser and sort of got burned for it. My point in all this is that I'm extremely lonely apart from Christ. Bros and issters in Christ make you feel welcomed. i can't get that from the world. i can't feel the acceptance.

So where to go? You say to the Father. I say "slim chance." You kno if you guys were smart maybe you should pray for pain to come into my life so I have to look to Jesus. Cause I think its going to take a tragedy. I really do.

pork and beans

2008-07-22T15:48:00.000-07:00

I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans!!

Almost 2 years ago, God asked me to obey HIM. I hate to use christianese but HE put a kid 'on my heart' I had been praying for. Basically, it was "Why don't you reach this kid yourself ??Give him a call." So I called him. It was extremely difficult but somehow I was seen through it. I felt so accepted AFTER the fact I made the call. For once, it seemed as if GOD was smiling. It was as if GOD was proud of my actions. I was smiling too. It seems I have been chasing this sort of acceptance my whole life.

What I dont get is how i had the courage to do that and now I'm like Gideon. Iv'e gone 100 steps backwards. I've sinned just cause "there was nothing else to do" or "no where else to turn." You say "Turn to Jesus, He is waiting." I say Jesus has plans for me. See I don't see Jesus as a friend you can talk to but a program you get invloved with. Like there is a sign" persecution guaranteed, trials without question." i never look at the blessing of being in God's will. I'm 100% paralyzed by THE THOUGHT of obedience. If Only you knew whaty He is asking of me. Friends, I can't take much more of this. I have no church family, I dont go to church caus eim scared of what God will say to me. I wont pray cause it feels like there is a wall between me and Jesus and I "better get with it or else".

You know have you ever wondered what my motives may be here. I mean maybe friends, I just don't want to obey Jesus. Maybe I am just ashamed of HIM and His message. Not that any of you knows for sure but why not? Why would I be so 'excuse' oriented if I loved Jesus? Wouldnt i just dive into His will. well friends, thats a SCARY thought. The thought that I'm doing all this for attention. the thought that I'm not saved and going to hell. The thought of being saved and feeling shame when I get to heaven. What if I'm a fake? Seriously? Friends, I want to be loved. I want a girl to love on me and understand me. I have gone through life without that. I want respect but I guess Jesus doens't care about that so much. I mean i think my family doesnt respect me caus eof my indecisiveness. They 'hear' im born again but see no fruit. All I think about if my fears. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH What if im not really a child of GOD?

And my high school friends, I have not talked to them really in like 2 years cause Im scared to be sold out around them. Sad but true. SOOO true.

In the words of Sanctus Real "I'm not alriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!"

figured you out

2008-07-22T14:50:00.002-07:00

I LOVE THE GOOD TIMES THAT YOU WRECK!!

Yesterday on a question and answer radio broadcast of Bibleline, a man called in. He asked about rewards in heaven. He sounded just like me actually. He wanted to know if GOd would be disappointed if he was given the lowest position in heaven due to his lack of service or unfruitful walk. This is how I've been thinking latley. The pastor assured him that there WOULD be regret when we are judged. He said there will be tears in heaven for a certain amount of time (why else would the bible say that GOD would wipe away 'every tear' from our eyes? ). It just gets me confused. We are supposed to be perfect in Christ so how is it that GOD can see all our shortcomings at the same time? How ARE we rewarded in heaven? Secondly, if this pastor is right, I have a lot to fear. Will GOD point out the fact that my family would have been saved if only I were obedient? Willl Jesus tell me what an embarrassment I was? How will this work?

2008-07-22T14:50:00.001-07:00

all i think about is myself

2008-07-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

All i think about is myself. What am I going to eat? What am I going to say? How am I going to get through? How am I going to manage? GOD I hate you. I hate how you won't make the pain stop. I hate how i can't listen to music that doesn't have the word Jesus in it. I hate how I am always wondering what others think of me as I'm talkin to them. I hate how I never been able to face my fears.

Hey God don't tell me to read "YOUR WORD". That is the most confusing book ever. You say you'll never leave me but it doesn't say if I can leave you. You say your burden is light but i feel weighed down and hammered with condemnation. You say for God so loved the world but somehow I feel I'm left out of that equation. I feel guilt creeping up on me cause I know others have it worse then me. Or do they???? Who is to say who has it worse than you? Maybe thats just a lie. Kinda like Christian cliches'. You know like, "it's not about me!" Well how has that ever helped me. Makes you feel like a piece of trash.

God I hate how you call me to things way above me. Was that thing I let you do through me no enough? Don't you know my limits? Don't you know whatever you are doing in me is not working? Heck ,I'm still not in your will. I heard the greatest thing from Bob George during friday'd broadcast. In regardsa to that verse in Philippians where it says God will "complete or perfect:" the good work He started in u. Well Bob said sometimes that good work is taking you home caus eyou are being a knitwhit. Man if only that would happen. I dont know about you guys but i can't stand this life. Nothing but fluctuations in mood, circumstances, and perspective. Don't you want bliss? I sure do and IM NOT AFRRAID to amit that. LEts be honest, I don't WANT pertsecution. I don't want trial and tribulations. When I first came to Christ NOTHING msattered other than the fact I knew God was intimately apart of my life. It was the warmest FEELING i ever felt. YEs FEELING. I liove feelings they rock. When i first was saved I could just walk down the street and KNOW that somehow I was loved. No provign my love. No climbing hurdles. It was liek God said "You're ok where you are." Man have things changed.

I find it frustrating how some people set out on a journey to acheive something and they eventually get there. Whereas others seem to go through a vicious cycle of disappointment and feel liek the rest of the world is laughing at them. Thats how i feel . Everything I have ever started I have neverr finished. What makes me think this is going to work. Gdo is a demander!!!

the little things (or are they)???

2008-07-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

We are free in Christ but I sure dont experience it. Let me give you an example: This is no the greatest example but you'll get the idea. Today is Saturday and I usually cash my checks today. I have three checks that still need to be cashed. So here's what goes through my head. "Are you sure you wanna do this? You are going to set the company back, you know that right? You are abusing God's grace." Now the reason why I'm not going to cash them is because I'm meeting my friend for lunch and the bank closes in a half hour and I just don't want to rush. I mean, really, I have been torn over such a simple decsion and sort of condemned. Like i said, this isn't the best example. Let me give you another one... Our company has a form called the 'customer orientation form.' Basically customers sign it after they have been given an overview of what it is (it has all our policies on it). SO if I go to a customer that we have already dealt with, then they really don't need to sign it cause they alreayd have gotten equipment from us in the past. Well yesterday I delivered a shower chair to a customer who had gotten a walker from us in the past month a believe. Well I only had him sign the delivery ticket. No need to sign the 'customer orientation form' right? WRONG!! In come the accusations "MAn you are lazy. What if this guy decides to return it and doesn't realize he cant return it cause its not re-sellable? You are going to rob this compant of money with this stuff you pull" You guys get the idea. I'm sure it was much worse ion my mind but im so precise if i put down what i really thought happened and it didn't then i wouldnt want to be accused of being a liar (self righteousness i guess).

There is a difference between being guilty and not being guilty. Thats why I don't pursue Christ. I tend to believe I'm not saved bASED ON my thought life and behavior. If I can't be like Moses, then why get involved? I know I'm going to fail. I'm ok in admitting it, I guess??!!! See my mind has told me in the past few onths "Man, you are goign to be the sole reason your family doesn't coem to JEsus!!" "I can't believe how selfish you are when Jesus went to a cross for you." "How many chances do you want." " Look at these people who don't even have a bible and you are too scared to obey the tuth you do know." The list goes on.

p.s. on the performance blog

2008-07-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

Hebrews chapter 11. somewhere in there it says GOD WILL NOT BE PLEASED with the one who shrinks back. Sounds pretty cut and dry to me. What is it saying? Would that not suggest we please GOd based on our obedience? If thats the case, HE is not pleased with me.

If performance means nothing then...

2008-07-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

Grace advocaters would suggest that your performance has nothing to do with God's acceptance of you. They believe scripture reveals a GOD of unconditional love. Well I have not only a hard time with this, I don't know if I believe it. I am always thinking and 'feeling' that GOD is down on me. If I obey GOD, I then 'feel' accepted. And this isn't a counterfeit feeling. Charles Stanley believes the Holy Spirit shows you that GOD is pleased with you if you obey HIM. I believe him. So what about this whole idea that GOD is pleased with you BECAUSE you are in Christ? Well I don't get that. Call it pride go ahead. If you love someone you WANT to please them. The times I did obey the spirit I wanted to please GOD. BUt even if I didn't would HE have loved me the same? The reason I ask is because I always feel there is ONE MORE HURDLE to climb and THEN Jesus will accept me and be pleased with me.

GOD wants me to do a really hard thing and until I do it I won't tell myself I love Jesus. In fact, right now, I feel as if I don't love Jesus. Sometimes I even hate HIM. I'm so scared of God sometimes based on what preachers say. Like today, I heard Stanley talk about God's chastisement. He said God will bring pain and suffering in our lives if we are off track. I know its going to happen to me cause I don't see myself entering into God's will. It looks impossible.

Sol ike is God going to embarrass me sooner or later unless I jump into His will? I'm not saying I never experienced the love of Christ. I have. But I'm scared. Sometimes I think I'm definately not saved. I mean is the enemy that good or am I just a three dollar bill in the christian circle (a.k.a. a fake).

Jesus, O Jesus, Help me Jesus

2008-07-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

First off I want to thank all of you for posting. Your feedback will hopefully bring me back to Jesus Avenue. Ok something really pierced my insides tonight. I watched the Home Run Derby, which was held at Yankee Stadium. The second place participant goes by the name of Josh Hamilton. I guess he was hooked on some heavy drugs just a few years ago. Well they interviewed him after the contest. Before they let him go he made sure to thank someone. Someone that obviousl made a difference in his life. Yes, ladies and gentlem,an, that someone was/is Jesus. It wasn't this rude, holier than thou type of rant either. To be honest, it was quite pathetic. Yes PATHETIC. In a gentle, relaxed, yet bold sentence , he just gave credit to where it was due. It really almost made me cry. Why? Well, i realized how inconsistent and fickle I have been in my relationship to Christ. Wondering if I'm doing all this for attention. My first thought was , "Man, GOD really must be so proud of him." And I bet HE is.

I'm deeply saddened over my relationship to Christ. I'm scared to share my faith. I'm scared to live out my faith. I'm scared of man. Im scared of man. I'm scared of mAn. Im scared of man. im scared OF MAN. Im scared of man. WHAT is it going ot take to snap me out of this? Why am i so focused on what others will think of me if I do what im called to do? I just dont get it.

Jordy trails 1-0

2008-07-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

I feel relieved. Im starting to realize how sinful i am. But the thing is, I'm ok with it. I'm as bad as anyone else, I have just been too afraid to feed my sinful appetite for most of my life. And when I did do it, I acted as if it was a rare occasion. I AM SINFUL. Makes me feel good cause it almost frees me up .But am I still not saved? I don't know. No really, I don't know. I meaN if I am saved why do I have so much anger in me I could do some damage? I feel that if I ever did give into my anger something nasty would happen.

I mean is this the end of the road?? Am I thinking about deconverting? I can't love Jesus. I can't. I always feel overwhelmed by His will for my life and i never ansewer His first call. It always takes me awhile. But where do I go? I don't wanna join another religion. I believe Jesus is GOD. I just don;t think His ways are even possible. This is why this is so frustrating. I know the truth yet can't embrace it cause I have a stubborn will. Call it unbelief , call it doubt, the poiont is that I can't be a godly man. Its way too hard. Way too hard. i'M SINFUL I CRAVE DIRTY THINGS. i CRAVE THINGS THAT gOd WOULDN'T WANT IN MY LIFE. i STILL WANT A HUG FROM jESUS BUT MAN i JUST HAVE NO CLUE ANYMORE.

40-Love

2008-07-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, so if I stay in this exact same mindset until i die, what is heaven going to be like? I often wonder how cheap it will be since I will be worshiping Jesus in all HIS glory but I cant do it down here to save my life. Is that cheap love? Do i even love GOD at all? Will GOD point HIS finger at me and tell me what an embarrassment i was to The Body or will He quiet me with His love? I'm probably the first to tell people how great GOD is when everything is ok and the first to complain when things don't make sense.

I feel alone. Thats right I FEEL alone. The more I think about GOD's will for my life the more I realize how far Im going to have to travel to prove my love for HIM. And really it doesn't even matter what people say anymore. I may ask for advice and have my mind made up that I'm not going to change my ways anyway. I would love for someone to show me a different side of Jesus. I dont know what to do. This is incredibly annoying. I want GOD but I don't. Its hard to accept the cross with the crown. I thought my life would be ok after gettign saved. It seesm to have gotten more confusing.

30-LOVE

2008-07-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

Im listening to the song "Everlasting GOD" by Lincoln Brewster. I get goosebumps everytime it seems. What I'm struggling with is GOD's power. In the song it says "YOU do not faint, YOU won't grow weary." So basically my brain turns that into " He won't let you down. Anything you have to face is not bigger than HIM." Well i guess Im prideful as a moe foe then. I'm not going to do what Jesus is calling me to do. I can't. Even if HE is EVERLASTING i see my problems and hurdles as higher than GOD. I just don't see how this is goinjg to work out. I dont see how GOD will quiet me through this journey when it gets super tough. I barely got through what He called me to do in the past. What makes me think I can leave my comfort zone for extended periods of time.

Hole 1

2008-07-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so I gotta put this out there... I'm miserable. I'm 100% miserable. I'm 101% miserable. I created this blog to talk about one thing only, my relationship to Christ. I wonder EVERYDAY if I'm in or out. If I'm in , I belong to Christ and if I'm out, I'm a fake. Why am I so worried about who may view this blog? What am I supposed to keep it all in to myself like I ALWAYS do? Heck, Jesus isn't talking to me so why should I not go all out.

If i ever did get saved, I realized that i used to be a sophisticated sinner. Never wanted many people to know when i did those naughty things. Never wanted people to know who i really was. I'm so pissed off. You see, i still may be trying to live by the law. For some reason I cant get myself to believe that God can be that good. You mean im saved, FOREVER???? NO MORE GUILT??? I am so used to guilt i feel guilty for not feeling guilty. When will this all end? When will the voices stop? When will I be at peace with GOD? People tell me to read the bible myself. Well do you know I have jumped into the bible and walked away once thinking that Judas was the "disciple whom Jesus loved." ???? Yeah, or the time I saw something in the book of Hebrews, thought I was guilty of it, and started having an emotional meltdown? Not the kind where you just walk away and are mad at God cause you cant measure up but rather the kind where you think you are toast and you just try to be the best person you can from this day forth cause you now you are going to hell and you dont want your flames to burn the hottest. I feel alone. I wont turn to Jesus cause Im afraid Ill start what I cant finish. but I miss Jesus. I think I do. I know I do